Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets is a 2017 adventure/sci-fi film written and directed by Luc Besson, and is based off the French science fiction comics series Valérian and Laureline, written by Pierre Christin. The film stars Dane DeHaan and Cara Delevingne, with Clive Owen, Rihanna, Ethan Hawke, Herbie Hancock, Kris Wu, and Rutger Hauer. The story follows special operatives Valerian and Laureline while a dark force threatens Alpha, a vast metropolis and home to species from a thousand planets, as they must race to identify the marauding menace and safeguard not just Alpha, but the future of the universe.
Yeah.. what went wrong with this one? Sure, I’ll be honest.. I wasn’t expecting much when I went into this film as I’ve been sort of following it since its inception, and have been incredibly turned off by its marketing. Also critics haven’t been so kind to it, and neither will I. This movie.. is pretty bad. Not to say that it was all bad as there were some enjoyable parts, but without spoiling the rest of my review, I will say that it was a pretty awful movie.
So lets start off with what I actually enjoyed. For the most part I found the opening 30 minutes or so to be incredibly enjoyable. The two space cops have a small mission that we follow along with, and it is surprisingly entertaining and fun. Sure there were some moments where it got really cheesy, but I felt like that was what this movie was all about. It was forgivable cheese; if I must say. Yet, as the film continued some things became clear, and after my 30 minutes of enjoyment passed, the film turned into an utter mess.
Unlike a lot of critics that praised this film for its visuals, I felt pretty opposed to them. I was so taken back by the overuse of CGI that when the film actually brought in some practical effects they didn’t even seem real to me. The film continuously took me out of the movie by its over reliance on computer graphics, and it just felt too forced on the audience. It’s almost like those old school 3D movies that would throw things towards the audience so that people would feel the 3D effect. This felt the same way with its CGI. On the positive side of things, this film features an awesome continuous shot. Bravo on that, if of course, it was actually done and not computer animated.
Another issue I had with the film was the overuse of exposition. My god, this film throws so much info at you that it isn’t even funny. My motto in film is that if you have to explain it, then show it. And if you can’t show it, then don’t explain it at all. There are plenty of times where this film gives you too much info, that when they want to unveil a huge plot twist, it has already been spoiled by other elements mainly in the form of overused exposition. Another continuously awful thing that pops up is the story. What a predictable mess. This film tries so hard to have plot twists and emotional deaths, but fails so badly because they’re so predictable and stupid. The film doesn’t even try, to be honest. There’s a part in the movie where a character dies off and the audience is supposed to feel bad about it, but you don’t because the character was barely there for 10 minutes, and contributed nothing to the progression of the story. This film is just a mess of predictable plot points and over excessive exposition.
Another let down was the cast. Dane DeHaan.. what happened to you? There was a time where I thought you would become the next DiCaprio, and look what you’ve become. The past three movies I’ve seen you in have been crap, and that doesn’t even include this one! Don’t even get me started about the last film I saw you in. Anyways, DeHaan’s preformance was forgettable, and even Cara Delevingne’s performance was below average. There wasn’t a single person in this film that did a good job acting, and other than DeHaan and Delevingne, there really aren’t any other important characters in this film either. There were no characters that featured complete or memorable arcs, and by the time the movie finished, I can’t even begin to tell you who I cared about in the film at all.
Although I don’t have much more to say about this film, I will tell you that its sound design and mix was just awful. Blasters sounded generic, the score was boring, and nothing stood out as even mildly interesting when it came to the sound department. The volume levels weren’t balanced within the film itself, and it was just a bland and boring mess. Even in one of the last shots of the film the audio didn’t match up to the actors mouth! Like did you forget to do your job?
In the end, Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets was an absolute mess of a film, and provided another mediocre movie experience. Sure the first 30 minutes where joyous to watch, but that’s all that I recommend that you see when it comes to this film. The rest is a boring mess that will have you wanting to leave the theater before the climax, and if you make it to the climax you will have already put the pieces together way before the film wanted you to. With conclusion time approaching, Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets won itself a “Bad” on theVade Review Bar. Another boring film, and another 2 hours and 17 minutes of a thousand, “Never agains.”
